Ross Barker works in private practice and is based in Tauranga. He has over 20 years experience in the field of child and family work. Although he is a child & adolescent therapist by trade, in recent years he has located his work more in educational settings in the Bay of Plenty, Lakes and Waikato region. In particular, Ross provides behavioural and well-being consultation for teachers and family/whanau, working with Maori, bi-lingual and mainstream schools.
His work is informed by a range of theoretical and practical perspectives, of which he gave us a good taste at his workshop.
According to Ross “life can be viewed as a succession of multiple deaths and births; some are big, some are small, some are sad, some are joyous”.
Adolescence can be seen as the ‘second birth’; it is the wish for, the denial of and the mourning of Childhood. An adolescent re-works all that was incomplete in early childhood. Sometimes this process is not visible on the outside until some other major (life) changes have taken place, sometimes well after the physical age of adolescence.
Problem behaviour in adolescence (or beyond) can for instance be seen as an acting-in or acting-out of attachment problems in earlier years. Looking at the process rather than the content of the problems translates into having a systemic look at the transition of one attachment (e.g. not having had a father who is caring but firm) to the other attachment (e.g. a troubled boy ‘inviting’ him self over and over again to the principal’s office).
The child or adolescent acts out or acts in, causing or inviting problems to get help from others to become whole again. In that way the child or adolescent will “make” others feel what they cannot think about or feel. Therefore, the adult feelings about a child or adolescent can be seen as “diagnostic”.
If these feelings are of anger or frustration, this may indicate exactly what is going on for adolescent. The adults, as parents, teachers, counselors, need to take this into account and they would do well in understanding the meaning of the kid’s problems, looking beyond the content, but more at the process, i.e. the transitions between the various developmental stages and the changes and griefs in their homes, family structure, health, school and peer group, financial and social status.
Ross gave us some very helpful advice on how to support adolescents who are grieving. He believes that the timing is crucial and that ‘less is more’. Often we may initially over-respond; it is better to take a step back and think about the meaning of what is in front of us. It may mean that regular one-hour counselling sessions is too much for the adolescent, but that frequent and regular 2minute-checks (staying attached) are all that is needed right now to contain the problem.
His advice is also to look after the basic needs first, e.g. kai/food and transport practicalities. Other ways of supporting grieving adolescents include being a good listener, using reflective language, ensuring life goes on, providing distraction, supporting the supporters, sharing others stories and introducing rituals.
Rituals need to be fitting to the culture of the family and the adolescent culture. They need to be timely and in the right place, they need to involve key people and something sacred and something nourishing. Although rituals can involve symbolism and symbolic objects, they can also look like nothing.
Ross finished with a brief summary of a model he uses to assess the child’s state. He calls it ‘the child’s compass’ and it integrates mental, emotional, spiritual and physical aspects of how the child relates to others. This and all his other ideas and insights had us all wanting for more, but, alas, the kai was waiting too! Ross did tell us that he would be happy to field any enquiries by email ross.barker@xtra.co.nz.
Report by Anneke Muijlwijk
