The Grief Experiences of Parents Who Have Lost a Child Through Violent Crime
The Grief Experiences of Parents Who Have Lost a Child Through Violent Crime was the dissertation topic I chose to research for my Master of Education (Counselling), University of Auckland. The qualitative research was carried out in 2003 and is a pioneer study undertaken in New Zealand in this area of bereavement. Despite during the 20th Century the predominant cause of childhood death shifted from illness to violence the parents of victims of violent death remain an understudied population worldwide. My research is my own personal experience. I lost my daughter, Kirsa, through violent crime twenty-one years ago in September, 1983 but my story was not included in the data.
As well as ascertaining the affects of grief through violent criminal activity on parents exploration into support received, secondary traumatisation, media, and the effects of the judicial system was undertaken. The eight parents I interviewed, both male and female, came from various parts of New Zealand, their life experiences varied considerably, but a common bond held their stories together. As one participant commented: bereaved parents belong to a unique and exclusive club that no one wants to belong to.
Many themes emerged but the themes of coping, grief responses, and the perpetrator were filtered throughout the narratives suggesting huge significance of these in the relearning of their worlds without their loved child and the accommodation of their grief in the ongoing lives of these parents. The enormity of the adjustment required of bereaved parents is reflected in the fact that the loss of a child requires parents to meet challenges presented by nearly the full range of objects, things, places, events, and relationships in the worlds of their experiences since few of these remain untouched by the relationship with the child (Attig, 1996). The death of a child through criminal activity adds an extra dimension to the complexity of parental grief.
Some parents interviewed had the body of their child returned to them or located within hours, for others it was weeks, months and years. For one parent the body of her child has not been found and this can serve to further complicate the grieving process. Both emotional and physical responses were experienced by parents on learning their child was missing or had died. One mother spoke of a feeling of ice going down her spine, cold and indescribable fear, when she heard her child was missing. On hearing that the body of his missing child had been found one father expressed: Ill never forget those few seconds. It was a time of I was bare. It is hard to find words for my feelings. I could barely support myself. Its just your life, your blood drains out of your body, your whole support, your whole mechanism, just felt like it was shutting down.
When a parent loses a child through violent crime they are immediately faced with secondary traumatisation; the nature of death, involvement with the media, being a part of a major police inquiry, and a sense of becoming public property. Further secondary traumatisation may occur with ongoing media attention, stigma, court proceedings, and parole hearings.
Initial support for parents was wide and varied. A death of a child or young person brings an enormous response within a family, a community, a church congregation, work places, institutions, and indeed the whole country. This meets needs in a two-fold manner: to support the bereaved and for the supporter to process their own grief response. The state of numbness and severe shock experienced by the bereaved is often mistakenly seen by observers as remaining calm.
Ongoing support for parents bereaved through violent crime is minimal. Organisations such as Bereaved Parents facilitate a safe and supportive environment but the grief of these parents, with its many complexities, has particular needs which are not easily understood. Five parents were offered counselling through Victim Support. Of the four who engaged in this counselling not one found it beneficial. However, personal loss and grief counselling was beneficial for two participants and one found solace in a group for victims of murder.
The loss experienced by parents in the study has affected their whole being: physical, emotional, spiritual, marital relationships, relationships with other children, relationships with family and friends, work, socially, as well as the affect on their belief system and values, attitudes and behaviours. But all participants expressed a strong hope that sharing their story would contribute to an enhanced awareness.
The results of my research clearly indicate the situation faced by parents who have lost a child through violent crime is formidable and that their experience is beyond comprehension to themselves and others. The depth of impact on the parents, the enduring nature of their grief, and the profound affect this has had, and continues to have, on them suggests that the extreme intensity of this grief makes it different to all other grief.
Robyn Jensen
Auckland
February, 2005
robyn.jensen@paradise.net.nz
Robyn Jensen works as a Guidance Counsellor in an Auckland secondary school and in private practice. As well, Robyn is available as a speaker, educator, and group / workshop facilitator. Robyn is a member of the New Zealand Association of Counsellors and an executive member of the National Association of Loss and Grief. Her research and interest in her dissertation topic continues.
